Truth vs Anti-Truth

This week we returned to LA to spend time with family and family of choice for the holidays. Many of my friends I haven't seen or spoken to much since I left Los Angeles in February 2014, and therefore since I had my major mental breakdown. 

One of my dear friends does a lot of leadership and coaching work, particularly with children. He is a powerfully positive person who has overcome a lot of circumstantial adversity in his life. He has also never been exposed to anyone with any kind of "emotional disorder", so he was extremely curious about my experience. He had a lot of questions, and played devils advocate but with a completely open mind. It was a fantastic opportunity to share my experience and support someone in gaining understanding of something that can be incredibly difficult to understand. 

Lack of Choice 

The first thing that was imperative to get across is the lack of choice when it comes to depression/mood disorders. If you're someone who's done any kind of personal development work, you may be familiar with the concept of everything being a choice. This is something I subscribe to with gusto - I believe that I have the power to choose my interpretation of any event in my life. Living that way is very empowering! 

However... Any kind of mood disorder makes this a very grey area. Firstly, having depression is not a choice. Depression disorders take away the control you have to make a choice in the first place. This makes the argument "just pull your socks up and get on with it" a moot one. I love this quote, " Telling someone with depression to get over it is like telling someone with cancer to walk it off." 

Depression is not a choice. Period. Depression robs us of the connection to our deepest Truth. It conceals it and paints it with it's own anti-truth - a disconnected, disempowered, eternally hopeless darkness. 

But, like I said, it is a very grey area and everyone is different. It's impossible to know the level of choice or control an individual has in any moment. It's up to that person to be honest with themselves. 

I was lucky enough to have a loving partner who knows me so well and who could hold up a picture of the Truth in any moment, even if the depression prevented me from seeing it. 

The Complete Absence of Logic

One of the things that always struck me when I emerged from a depressive/anxious episode was the complete lack of logic or reasoning that I experienced throughout it. The way my brain would think and interpret events was often so illogical. But at the time, it made perfect sense. To my depressed brain, the way I thought felt like the truth (but it was that false truth, that anti-truth). But in the moment m that darkness was my reality. No, it doesn't make sense, especially to a healthy person - but remember, you can't argue logic or reason to a depressed person. The depression is blinding. 

There's No Cure-All

As much as I would love for it to be true, there is no one thing that fixes depression. What works for me won't necessarily work for the next person. What worked for me one day may not work the next. There are so many factors that contribute to someone's mental health: nutrition & diet, mental health and stability (how you process things in your life), support networks and environmental and cultural factors.

The Take Away

My friend desperately wanted it to be simple; simple to understand, simple to identify and simple to solve. Unfortunately, it's not. Or, FORTUNATELY, it's not ;)

We as humans are infinitely intricate and complex. It's part of what makes us unique and beautiful. The difficulty of this "disease" means we have a massive opportunity to engage, connect and deepen our understanding of our fellow human beings. And, given the statistics on depression and suciicide, an opportunity to save a life. 

Go forth and be a champion of Truth. 

Thanks for the love xo

To support a friend...

Last week a good friend shared with me that he decently been diagnosed with bipolar after experiencing some debilitating anxiety attacks. My heart broke. As a nurturing spirit, my first instinct was to save him, rescue him. But I know that, for all the wanting it, I just can't fix him. 

What I can do is share all that I've learned from my experience, knowing that no two people are the same and what worked for me may not work for him. I can use my life coaching skills to facilitate and support healthy changes in his life. But I can't make him want to change, or want to commit to making healthier choices in his life. 

But what's most important is just being there for him, to listen, and be on the other end of the phone when he can't get up off the floor. To let him know that it's okay, that he's okay. And remind him there is hope, even when he doesn't believe it. Because hope can look like a simple hug. 

The Art of Accepting Impermanence

It's difficult for me to fathom that we are hurtling towards the end of 2014. TWENTY FIFTEEN IS COMING, PEOPLE!!! Un-freaking-believable.

Firstly, given the reason I started this blog, I think it only fitting to share that I have been episode-free for a glorious three months. I feel like I'm back to my best self, entirely. It's magical, and every day I am grateful for my mental health. So incredibly grateful. And every day I make it a priority to maintain this state with meditation, "Ultramind Solution" nutrition (see my post about that here), building and nurturing my social support network, and continued self-development.

Along my burgeoning spiritual path, one concept has become very relevant to me. And that is cultivating a sense of acceptance and detachment. My mantra being, "This too shall pass". Meaning, the joyful highs I am now experiencing will not last forever. I don't intend that in a negative way whatsoever. It's about approaching my days in a detached, open to what may come, ride the ebbs and flows of life with peace and ease way.

I recently attended a day-long Buddhist meditation retreat. The topic of the day was Living in the Moment. But ultimately the message of the day was the idea of impermanence. We meditated on the human instinct to grasp and cling onto things, anything. As infants, grasping is one of our primary instincts. As adults, we grasp at the past, we grasp onto the future and for one reason or another, we are often afraid to let go and be present in the moment. We grasp onto people and situations, ideas and values. According to one Buddhist scholar, "We will suffer in direct proportion to out grasping".

This entire concept resonates deeply with me. I feel a sense of peace when I sit with impermanence. Sometimes I experience a sense of fear or loss, but then I realize this is happening because I'm looking to the past or to the future. So I come back to the present moment, and back to that peace, that bliss.

This isn't a completely new concept to me. I requested of my partner to remind me whenever I was in the middle of a depressive episode that "it's only temporary and it will pass". Hearing this would remind me that there was hope for relief from the excruciating pain of hopelessness. Though, there were times when the "downs" would last weeks, when I might get a single day of feeling like it had passed, and in those cases the ratio itself felt just as hopeless. "Ok, so the depression might pass, but if the good state only lasts a day before that too passes back to depression... I don't know if it's worth it". It was a struggle every day to have faith. But I made it and I'm so very, very grateful.

I'd love to hear what it is that you grasp onto and what consequences it causes in your life. And is it something you're ready to let go of? 

Whether impermanence is a new concept to you or this is simply a reminder, I wish for you that it wraps you up in a warm, comforting blanket of gratitude and bliss. I'm off to meditate :)

Love &Gratitude

Jas xo

Long time, no blog.

I haven't written in some time. Has it been 8 weeks? Well the good news is I have felt great/healthy/not depressed for about that long...I honestly thought, "What am I going to write on a blog about depression if I'm not depressed anymore??"

That's a little bit black and white. I've had bad days in the last 8 weeks. Maybe 3 or 4 where I've felt that familiar feeling of over-the-top, out-of-control "I'd prefer to die than face this anymore" moments. But that is a far cry from the 4 days of "normal" I had in the previous 8 weeks. 

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it was that had me shift into feeling healthy. But I'm sure it was a plethora of factors: I've found a fantastic therapist (after 6 dismal visits with someone I just didn't click with), I found a great psychiatrist (similar situation to the therapist - it took some time to find the right one), I'm on a comprehensive dietary supplement regimen, I'm exercising frequently (about 4 times a week), I'm making money and contributing to my financial future again (it had been about a year since I was making a regular income), I'm actively working on my acting career again, my relationship is in one of the best places it's ever been (two sessions in with an amazing couples therapist plus a whole lot of work and commitment on our behalf). Oh yeah, plus the Zoloft. I'm sure the cat-sitting for 2 months helped, too. 

My psychiatrist is of the mind that my Zoloft dose is so low that it's probably a placebo. This pisses me off to no end - I tried so many other pills and potions that I believed would work over the last year, I don't understand why THIS would be the one that yielded a placebo result. But, whatever. At the end of the day, whether placebo or not, whether the result of the drugs alone or all of the other factors, I feel better. And that's all that matters to me. 

It's all a bit chicken or egg... Meaning, I didn't feel like working or going to the gym while I felt depressed but I made the choice to do those things anyway. And I know I feel better for it. And I didn't feel like I had the capacity to even make those choices before I started the therapy and the drugs. Chicken? Egg? Both, I guess. 

The other piece that I feel had made the biggest difference for me personally came from my very first session with the new (fantastic) therapist, Dr Lois. But before I get to that nugget... I want to mention my experience with the other therapist. I was intrigued by this CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - which is a goal based, systematic approach to treatment. However, I found this approach (at least as it was delivered by this particular therapist) to be disingenuous and superficial. I never felt like any real deep issues were being addressed or were even given space to be aired. This in top if feeling like the therapist wasn't as intelligent as I was. I know this sounds arrogant, but really, I want to sit with someone who 1) remembers basic things about me and 2) who's opinion and thoughts resonate with me and 3) who I feel is offering me insight that I wasn't otherwise seeing for myself. I felt like this first therapist was stuck on recording triggers. We would spend an hour dissecting some relatively insignificant breakdown - when what I wanted was to get UNDERNEATH the breakdown and address the causes!! It was a frustrating experience but I stuck it out in case it was just me being resistant. Eventually, after 6 sessions that went nowhere and a really supportive conversation with my beloved adopted Papa, I knew it was time to find a therapist who I respected, who challenged me and who created the intellectual and emotional space for me too explore and go deep. 

So! The breakthrough I had?? Making myself the most important thing in my life. I know this may sound like a really simple thing, possibly even selfish to some, but the way this landed for me had me in tears. Actually, the thing that really set me off was when she (fantastic Dr Lois) asked me how much this worrying about things (in particular the security of my relationship) was taking away from my creative energy. It landed like a ton of bricks and I cried with a realization so deep. I had been living for so long with my energy being consumed by anxiety and paranoia about so much (was I enough? which girl is he going to have a thing with next? what is wrong with me?) - I, as a living, breathing, spiritual, creative being had almost ceased to exist. 

From that session onward I've made such a conscious effort to always come back to me. To know that no matter what happens, I am always enough and I will always be okay. When I've had moments of getting lost again, I now feel like I have this map. I know how it get back to myself. How to get grounded in this truth. I wish I could say it's worked every time - on those out-of-control days I mentioned it's almost impossible... but it's never far away. 

I'm so grateful for this healthy place. I'm so grateful for this breakthrough. And to every one of you who has offered me love and support - you are everything. I love you. Thank you. 

Stranger Danger

When was the last time you talked to a stranger? On the bus? In line at grocery store? Even just said "Hello" or "Good morning!"

A couple of weeks ago I was walking along on my way to a therapy session, deep in thought about what was coming. I noticed a lady standing still on the sidewalk with a really faraway stare. My spidey senses told me something was amiss so I approached her. After asking "are you okay?" She thanked me and told me how she's just saved a kid from being hit by a taxi on his skateboard. She was feeling overcome with adrenaline and was trying to calm down. This wasn't necessarily an instant where I made much of an impact in this woman's life. But I hope it was enough, just to create another connection in the world. 

The story of an Australian man named Don Ritchie has touched me very deeply. Don officially saved the lives of over 160 people from suicide (but some guess the number is closer to 400). He lived by a cliff on the coast of Sydney called "The Gap" that is a notorious suicide location. Each day Don would keep an eye out for people in trouble and would strike up a conversation with them, invite them for tea and just be there to offer a friendly ear or word. I've no doubt that many call this man an Angel. 

You never know when reaching out to someone - even someone you don't know - can change their life for the better. 

Perhaps the real stranger danger is the isolation and separation we create in our society as a result of our fears.

Here's a short video highlighting Don's amazing efforts... Enjoy, be  inspired and take action in your own way.


Jas <3

What I learned from reading "The Ultramind Solution: Fix Your Broken Brain by Healing Your Body First"

No, it's not a book about becoming an expert at mind control (bummer, I know) it's the best resource I've found on an integrative/functional based approach to mental health. Written by a medical doctor who, after his own struggle with depression, now practices functional medicine. (WTF is Functional Medicine??? It's the practice of medicine where underlying causes for symptoms and issues are addressed, along with treating the symptoms themselves.)

I would highly recommend this book to anyone, but ESPECIALLY those who deal with mental health issues like depression and anxiety, even memory deterioration. My friend who recommended the book was using it to learn ways to optimize his already healthy body and brain function.

The book highlights how our body function, what we eat and ingest, either through diet or through the environment, directly - and often significantly - affects the function of our brain and therefore mental health.

As a result of what I learned from the book I've started including a few more supplements into my existing routine. I already take a Multi Vitamin, Vit B Complex and a probiotic. I've added Magnesium, an Omega oil blend and Vitamin D.

One of the major takeaways for me was how much of an impact toxins can have on our health. Did you know that less than 1% of the chemicals in use today have been tested for safety?!?! Have we learned nothing from mercury or asbestos?? I have a mouth full of amalgam fillings, some of which have been there over 20 years! There is a good chance that these fillings are leaking mercury into my system. This is a highly alarming fact and one I'm looking to address ASAP.

Lastly, it's worth stressing the importance that Dr Hyman puts on exercise and relaxation. The role stress plays in mental health is proven, widely known and accepted yet so many of us don't know how to healthily manage it. Stress and stress management really deserves it's own post, so I think I'll save that one for another day.

Here is The Ultramind Solution on Amazon. And Dr Hyman's website.

From David Foster Wallace (February 21, 1962 – September 12, 2008)

Suicide has been brought to the forefront of the social psyche recently. This is such a great description of the feeling...

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
— David Foster Wallace

Want to understand me a little better? TED video on depression

A couple of months ago I was in the middle of a depressive episode. I was struggling without much success to pull myself out of the state. It had been a rough couple of weeks for me and also for AJ, my ever supportive, loving and compassionate boyfriend.

He has been with me throughout this journey and watched my symptoms steadily worsen. More than once he's been on the receiving end of an angry, spiteful outburst. At some point I will write about how out relationship has (so far) survived this experience.

For all his love and commitment, and despite being so close to me throughout it all, it is still difficult for him to really understand what I am experiencing - and why. Especially because when I'm in the middle of an episode, my cognitive function is reduced and my capacity for communication often impaired. My brain feels thick and foggy and numb, like the cogs are rusted up and won't move.

Both AJ & I found certain articles and videos to be very supportive in articulating what was going on in a way that I wasn't able to. So often, these articles or videos, though presented by someone we don't even know, seemed to speak directly to us.

One afternoon, during this particular episode. I was home alone and browsing YouTube for videos related to depression, searching for anything to help. I came across this particular video and from the very beginning I was enthralled. The presenter, Andrew Solomon, opens with a poem by Emily Dickinson.

I felt a funeral in my brain,
        And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
        That sense was breaking through.
And when they all were seated,
        A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
        My mind was going numb.
And then I heard them lift a box,
        And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead,
        Then space began to toll
As all the heavens were a bell,
        And Being but an ear,
And I and silence some strange race,
        Wrecked, solitary, here.
And then a plank in reason, broke,
        And I dropped down and down--
And hit a world at every plunge,
        And finished knowing--then--

For anyone going through a mood disorder or who knows someone going through this experience, this video is incredibly insightful and at times empowering.

Depression is not a Prozac Deficiency

When I was in my early twenties, my boyfriend at the time was working towards his Masters in Psychology. Impacted by a couple of his professors, we both developed particular views about the way drug companies operate and how mental health care is diagnosed and administered.

I learned that the widely held belief that depression (and other similar mental health issues) is a "brain chemistry imbalance" is in large part theoretical and that there no tests for this chemical imbalance employed as part of a diagnosis process. I learned that Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) is still a widely accepted and administered treatment for severe depression. I also learned about the ways drug companies manipulate data to positively skew the effects of a new drug to get it approved. And I learned about the (IMHO unethical) marketing of prescription drugs. Not just direct-to-consumer marketing (which, by the way is a practice that is legal nowhere in the world but New Zealand and USA) but also the marketing to doctors and physicians. During this time I worked in a medical center pharmacy and saw first hand the way the Dr's were rewarded with anything from weekend golf retreats to fancy luncheons for "hitting their numbers" prescribing certain medications.

This topic is certainly controversial and I admittedly have a pretty liberal view on it all.

All this background to say, I have - for the majority of my adult life - been cynical about doctors and the over-prescription of drugs for mental health issues. I believe that depression is NOT a Prozac deficiency! I'm a fan of holistic and integrative medicine, preferring natural remedies wherever possible; herbs, vitamins, homepathics, exercise, even meditation and spirituality.

So throughout 2013 I attempted to manage my severe mood swings with myriad herbs and vitamins, exercise and (life) coaching. I held this deep seeded belief that avoiding depression was about being "strong" and "emotionally intelligent". I would tell myself; "I can figure it out. I'm strong enough to work through it. I'm smart. I'm emotionally intelligent. Hell, I completed a Life Coaching course and excelled at it!! Of course I should be able to get through this!".

Late in 2013, I had conceded I needed help beyond the tools I had at my disposal. I decided to visit a GP/primary care physician who diagnosed me with PMDD (Pre Mentstrual Dysphoric Disorder) - based on the fact that my symptoms appeared to reviolve around my menstrual cycle. I started taking the birth control pill to even out my hormones, and I made an appointment with a therapist to address the underlying causes of the depression. I had, after all, had the year from hell (sprinkled with some wonderful moments, no doubt, but the wonderful moments are not what led to me becoming severely depressed)... I will save the gory details perhaps for another post but lets just say that in the last 18 months there were multiple deaths in the family, breakdowns in pretty much every major relationship in my life (including a divorce and infidelity), moving cross continent twice (most recently to a city where I knew no one) and moving house five times times.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is a trifecta for the three most stressful events a person can experience - according to generally accepted studies. And I had multiple of each! So it was clear to me that some "talk therapy" would be supportive in processing all of these things.

I had a fantastic session with a therapist who I loved. But then she disappeared. I literally turned up for our second scheduled session only to be told by the receptionist that the therapist didn't work there anymore. After that experience, the move from LA to New York City became a real possibility and I didn't want to start building a relationship with another therapist only to leave before any meaningful relationship could be established.

Then the move to NYC happened early in 2014. Things with my health/mood started a steady decline within a couple of months of being here. I pretty much gave up on the herbs and vitamins, the exercise and acknowledged that the pill wasn't doing anything to support me either. Eventually my state of being got so far out of my control that I was desperate for anything to help. After going through the bureaucracy of getting myself medical insurance (which I could rant about for days) I sought out a psycho-pharmacologist (similar to a psychiatrist only with more of a focus on how medication affects mood).

On my first visit with Dr Spirt, psychiatrist and psycho-pharmacologist, I was diagnosed with severe depressive mood disorder and she prescribed an anti-depressant (Zoloft, for those who are interested). She started me on a low dose (12.5mg daily) to give time for any side-affects to become apparent before upping it to 25mg daily after a couple of weeks.

So, as of today, I've been taking Zoloft for 5 weeks and 2 days. And I'm feeling pretty good (which is the equivalent of bloody awesome when compared to what I was experiencing before!). I've also started seeing a therapist and attending a Mood Disorder support group here in NYC.

As always, so much more to say but I'll leave it at that for now.

Sending love and support and light to everyone, especially those of you who have offered so may words of support and even more especially those who don't feel it inside of themselves.

Jas
XOXO

Advice for Aspiring Artists

This Humans of New York post really tickled me.

I love that this girls quote is simultaneously innocent and simple, yet could be interpreted as a profound life metaphor about surrender  :)

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"I'm going to be an artist."

"Do you have any advice for other artists?"

"Don't press down too hard with your crayons."

http://www.humansofnewyork.com/post/89062066656/im-going-to-be-an-artist-do-you-have-any

A Healthy Distraction

Two nights ago I sat down to write about my "diagnosis" and what it means to me. But I was having trouble concentrating. Some other truth was demanding attention in that moment, so I wrote about that instead...

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Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.

Like today. Seemingly for no reason I start to withdraw. The inner voice that has me compare myself to others starts up. That thing that has me push people away and become excruciatingly self-conscious.

I sense it coming and I do my best to be bigger than it. I tell myself something positive, repeating all the positive affirmations I’ve practiced and embodied on my “healthy days”.

And then the emotions start coming up. The reactiveness. Things I would never normally say start coming out of my mouth.

And I watch these things happen. I watch it happen as if I was an innocent, dumbfounded bystander. It feels out-of-body. I see the words float out my mouth and 2 seconds later they’re in the air and no amount of grabbing at them can take them back.

When I’m clear minded (my terminology for when I’m not in a depressive state) I often say to AJ that these depressive states feel like the “real me” is trapped inside this sad and angry beast. I ask him to talk to me - the real me - who’s deep inside somewhere... But all that comes out is angry, or nasty, or horribly self degrading talk. My Edward Hyde.

Even as a write, I’m tearing up. I’m scared and I feel very alone.

Today for the first time I reached out to people as I felt it coming on. After trying about 3 people who weren’t around I gave up and decided to play Candy Crush instead. Maybe distraction would work.

One of the homework exercises my therapist gave me was to keep a log of anytime I experiences an “emotion that rated higher than 3/10”... So if I’m feeling sad and it feels bigger than a 3 out of 10 then I need to record what it was that triggered it. Sometimes these triggers are obvious - something someone says or does. But sometimes, like today, I can’t come up with anything. The tears, the sadness, the anger, the jealousy; they come out of nowhere. And I start to drown in them.

I need to break it’s momentum. I need a distraction, a healthy one.

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On this particular Saturday night I chose to put my energy into colouring in. Yes, as in colour pencils and reliving those long-gone kindergarten days. I bought a new coloring book last week. One with crazy "Art Nouveau" animal pictures. Colouring in is one of my favorite things to do. I find it really meditative and relaxing.

Rooster & Chicken: my healthy distraction de jour.