He has been with me throughout this journey and watched my symptoms steadily worsen. More than once he's been on the receiving end of an angry, spiteful outburst. At some point I will write about how out relationship has (so far) survived this experience.
For all his love and commitment, and despite being so close to me throughout it all, it is still difficult for him to really understand what I am experiencing - and why. Especially because when I'm in the middle of an episode, my cognitive function is reduced and my capacity for communication often impaired. My brain feels thick and foggy and numb, like the cogs are rusted up and won't move.
Both AJ & I found certain articles and videos to be very supportive in articulating what was going on in a way that I wasn't able to. So often, these articles or videos, though presented by someone we don't even know, seemed to speak directly to us.
One afternoon, during this particular episode. I was home alone and browsing YouTube for videos related to depression, searching for anything to help. I came across this particular video and from the very beginning I was enthralled. The presenter, Andrew Solomon, opens with a poem by Emily Dickinson.
I felt a funeral in my brain,
And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
That sense was breaking through.
And when they all were seated,
A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
My mind was going numb.
And then I heard them lift a box,
And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead,
Then space began to toll
As all the heavens were a bell,
And Being but an ear,
And I and silence some strange race,
Wrecked, solitary, here.
And then a plank in reason, broke,
And I dropped down and down--
And hit a world at every plunge,
And finished knowing--then--
For anyone going through a mood disorder or who knows someone going through this experience, this video is incredibly insightful and at times empowering.
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