Want to understand me a little better? TED video on depression

A couple of months ago I was in the middle of a depressive episode. I was struggling without much success to pull myself out of the state. It had been a rough couple of weeks for me and also for AJ, my ever supportive, loving and compassionate boyfriend.

He has been with me throughout this journey and watched my symptoms steadily worsen. More than once he's been on the receiving end of an angry, spiteful outburst. At some point I will write about how out relationship has (so far) survived this experience.

For all his love and commitment, and despite being so close to me throughout it all, it is still difficult for him to really understand what I am experiencing - and why. Especially because when I'm in the middle of an episode, my cognitive function is reduced and my capacity for communication often impaired. My brain feels thick and foggy and numb, like the cogs are rusted up and won't move.

Both AJ & I found certain articles and videos to be very supportive in articulating what was going on in a way that I wasn't able to. So often, these articles or videos, though presented by someone we don't even know, seemed to speak directly to us.

One afternoon, during this particular episode. I was home alone and browsing YouTube for videos related to depression, searching for anything to help. I came across this particular video and from the very beginning I was enthralled. The presenter, Andrew Solomon, opens with a poem by Emily Dickinson.

I felt a funeral in my brain,
        And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
        That sense was breaking through.
And when they all were seated,
        A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
        My mind was going numb.
And then I heard them lift a box,
        And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead,
        Then space began to toll
As all the heavens were a bell,
        And Being but an ear,
And I and silence some strange race,
        Wrecked, solitary, here.
And then a plank in reason, broke,
        And I dropped down and down--
And hit a world at every plunge,
        And finished knowing--then--

For anyone going through a mood disorder or who knows someone going through this experience, this video is incredibly insightful and at times empowering.

Depression is not a Prozac Deficiency

When I was in my early twenties, my boyfriend at the time was working towards his Masters in Psychology. Impacted by a couple of his professors, we both developed particular views about the way drug companies operate and how mental health care is diagnosed and administered.

I learned that the widely held belief that depression (and other similar mental health issues) is a "brain chemistry imbalance" is in large part theoretical and that there no tests for this chemical imbalance employed as part of a diagnosis process. I learned that Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) is still a widely accepted and administered treatment for severe depression. I also learned about the ways drug companies manipulate data to positively skew the effects of a new drug to get it approved. And I learned about the (IMHO unethical) marketing of prescription drugs. Not just direct-to-consumer marketing (which, by the way is a practice that is legal nowhere in the world but New Zealand and USA) but also the marketing to doctors and physicians. During this time I worked in a medical center pharmacy and saw first hand the way the Dr's were rewarded with anything from weekend golf retreats to fancy luncheons for "hitting their numbers" prescribing certain medications.

This topic is certainly controversial and I admittedly have a pretty liberal view on it all.

All this background to say, I have - for the majority of my adult life - been cynical about doctors and the over-prescription of drugs for mental health issues. I believe that depression is NOT a Prozac deficiency! I'm a fan of holistic and integrative medicine, preferring natural remedies wherever possible; herbs, vitamins, homepathics, exercise, even meditation and spirituality.

So throughout 2013 I attempted to manage my severe mood swings with myriad herbs and vitamins, exercise and (life) coaching. I held this deep seeded belief that avoiding depression was about being "strong" and "emotionally intelligent". I would tell myself; "I can figure it out. I'm strong enough to work through it. I'm smart. I'm emotionally intelligent. Hell, I completed a Life Coaching course and excelled at it!! Of course I should be able to get through this!".

Late in 2013, I had conceded I needed help beyond the tools I had at my disposal. I decided to visit a GP/primary care physician who diagnosed me with PMDD (Pre Mentstrual Dysphoric Disorder) - based on the fact that my symptoms appeared to reviolve around my menstrual cycle. I started taking the birth control pill to even out my hormones, and I made an appointment with a therapist to address the underlying causes of the depression. I had, after all, had the year from hell (sprinkled with some wonderful moments, no doubt, but the wonderful moments are not what led to me becoming severely depressed)... I will save the gory details perhaps for another post but lets just say that in the last 18 months there were multiple deaths in the family, breakdowns in pretty much every major relationship in my life (including a divorce and infidelity), moving cross continent twice (most recently to a city where I knew no one) and moving house five times times.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is a trifecta for the three most stressful events a person can experience - according to generally accepted studies. And I had multiple of each! So it was clear to me that some "talk therapy" would be supportive in processing all of these things.

I had a fantastic session with a therapist who I loved. But then she disappeared. I literally turned up for our second scheduled session only to be told by the receptionist that the therapist didn't work there anymore. After that experience, the move from LA to New York City became a real possibility and I didn't want to start building a relationship with another therapist only to leave before any meaningful relationship could be established.

Then the move to NYC happened early in 2014. Things with my health/mood started a steady decline within a couple of months of being here. I pretty much gave up on the herbs and vitamins, the exercise and acknowledged that the pill wasn't doing anything to support me either. Eventually my state of being got so far out of my control that I was desperate for anything to help. After going through the bureaucracy of getting myself medical insurance (which I could rant about for days) I sought out a psycho-pharmacologist (similar to a psychiatrist only with more of a focus on how medication affects mood).

On my first visit with Dr Spirt, psychiatrist and psycho-pharmacologist, I was diagnosed with severe depressive mood disorder and she prescribed an anti-depressant (Zoloft, for those who are interested). She started me on a low dose (12.5mg daily) to give time for any side-affects to become apparent before upping it to 25mg daily after a couple of weeks.

So, as of today, I've been taking Zoloft for 5 weeks and 2 days. And I'm feeling pretty good (which is the equivalent of bloody awesome when compared to what I was experiencing before!). I've also started seeing a therapist and attending a Mood Disorder support group here in NYC.

As always, so much more to say but I'll leave it at that for now.

Sending love and support and light to everyone, especially those of you who have offered so may words of support and even more especially those who don't feel it inside of themselves.

Jas
XOXO