Truth vs Anti-Truth

This week we returned to LA to spend time with family and family of choice for the holidays. Many of my friends I haven't seen or spoken to much since I left Los Angeles in February 2014, and therefore since I had my major mental breakdown. 

One of my dear friends does a lot of leadership and coaching work, particularly with children. He is a powerfully positive person who has overcome a lot of circumstantial adversity in his life. He has also never been exposed to anyone with any kind of "emotional disorder", so he was extremely curious about my experience. He had a lot of questions, and played devils advocate but with a completely open mind. It was a fantastic opportunity to share my experience and support someone in gaining understanding of something that can be incredibly difficult to understand. 

Lack of Choice 

The first thing that was imperative to get across is the lack of choice when it comes to depression/mood disorders. If you're someone who's done any kind of personal development work, you may be familiar with the concept of everything being a choice. This is something I subscribe to with gusto - I believe that I have the power to choose my interpretation of any event in my life. Living that way is very empowering! 

However... Any kind of mood disorder makes this a very grey area. Firstly, having depression is not a choice. Depression disorders take away the control you have to make a choice in the first place. This makes the argument "just pull your socks up and get on with it" a moot one. I love this quote, " Telling someone with depression to get over it is like telling someone with cancer to walk it off." 

Depression is not a choice. Period. Depression robs us of the connection to our deepest Truth. It conceals it and paints it with it's own anti-truth - a disconnected, disempowered, eternally hopeless darkness. 

But, like I said, it is a very grey area and everyone is different. It's impossible to know the level of choice or control an individual has in any moment. It's up to that person to be honest with themselves. 

I was lucky enough to have a loving partner who knows me so well and who could hold up a picture of the Truth in any moment, even if the depression prevented me from seeing it. 

The Complete Absence of Logic

One of the things that always struck me when I emerged from a depressive/anxious episode was the complete lack of logic or reasoning that I experienced throughout it. The way my brain would think and interpret events was often so illogical. But at the time, it made perfect sense. To my depressed brain, the way I thought felt like the truth (but it was that false truth, that anti-truth). But in the moment m that darkness was my reality. No, it doesn't make sense, especially to a healthy person - but remember, you can't argue logic or reason to a depressed person. The depression is blinding. 

There's No Cure-All

As much as I would love for it to be true, there is no one thing that fixes depression. What works for me won't necessarily work for the next person. What worked for me one day may not work the next. There are so many factors that contribute to someone's mental health: nutrition & diet, mental health and stability (how you process things in your life), support networks and environmental and cultural factors.

The Take Away

My friend desperately wanted it to be simple; simple to understand, simple to identify and simple to solve. Unfortunately, it's not. Or, FORTUNATELY, it's not ;)

We as humans are infinitely intricate and complex. It's part of what makes us unique and beautiful. The difficulty of this "disease" means we have a massive opportunity to engage, connect and deepen our understanding of our fellow human beings. And, given the statistics on depression and suciicide, an opportunity to save a life. 

Go forth and be a champion of Truth. 

Thanks for the love xo

To support a friend...

Last week a good friend shared with me that he decently been diagnosed with bipolar after experiencing some debilitating anxiety attacks. My heart broke. As a nurturing spirit, my first instinct was to save him, rescue him. But I know that, for all the wanting it, I just can't fix him. 

What I can do is share all that I've learned from my experience, knowing that no two people are the same and what worked for me may not work for him. I can use my life coaching skills to facilitate and support healthy changes in his life. But I can't make him want to change, or want to commit to making healthier choices in his life. 

But what's most important is just being there for him, to listen, and be on the other end of the phone when he can't get up off the floor. To let him know that it's okay, that he's okay. And remind him there is hope, even when he doesn't believe it. Because hope can look like a simple hug. 

The Art of Accepting Impermanence

It's difficult for me to fathom that we are hurtling towards the end of 2014. TWENTY FIFTEEN IS COMING, PEOPLE!!! Un-freaking-believable.

Firstly, given the reason I started this blog, I think it only fitting to share that I have been episode-free for a glorious three months. I feel like I'm back to my best self, entirely. It's magical, and every day I am grateful for my mental health. So incredibly grateful. And every day I make it a priority to maintain this state with meditation, "Ultramind Solution" nutrition (see my post about that here), building and nurturing my social support network, and continued self-development.

Along my burgeoning spiritual path, one concept has become very relevant to me. And that is cultivating a sense of acceptance and detachment. My mantra being, "This too shall pass". Meaning, the joyful highs I am now experiencing will not last forever. I don't intend that in a negative way whatsoever. It's about approaching my days in a detached, open to what may come, ride the ebbs and flows of life with peace and ease way.

I recently attended a day-long Buddhist meditation retreat. The topic of the day was Living in the Moment. But ultimately the message of the day was the idea of impermanence. We meditated on the human instinct to grasp and cling onto things, anything. As infants, grasping is one of our primary instincts. As adults, we grasp at the past, we grasp onto the future and for one reason or another, we are often afraid to let go and be present in the moment. We grasp onto people and situations, ideas and values. According to one Buddhist scholar, "We will suffer in direct proportion to out grasping".

This entire concept resonates deeply with me. I feel a sense of peace when I sit with impermanence. Sometimes I experience a sense of fear or loss, but then I realize this is happening because I'm looking to the past or to the future. So I come back to the present moment, and back to that peace, that bliss.

This isn't a completely new concept to me. I requested of my partner to remind me whenever I was in the middle of a depressive episode that "it's only temporary and it will pass". Hearing this would remind me that there was hope for relief from the excruciating pain of hopelessness. Though, there were times when the "downs" would last weeks, when I might get a single day of feeling like it had passed, and in those cases the ratio itself felt just as hopeless. "Ok, so the depression might pass, but if the good state only lasts a day before that too passes back to depression... I don't know if it's worth it". It was a struggle every day to have faith. But I made it and I'm so very, very grateful.

I'd love to hear what it is that you grasp onto and what consequences it causes in your life. And is it something you're ready to let go of? 

Whether impermanence is a new concept to you or this is simply a reminder, I wish for you that it wraps you up in a warm, comforting blanket of gratitude and bliss. I'm off to meditate :)

Love &Gratitude

Jas xo