Long time, no blog.

I haven't written in some time. Has it been 8 weeks? Well the good news is I have felt great/healthy/not depressed for about that long...I honestly thought, "What am I going to write on a blog about depression if I'm not depressed anymore??"

That's a little bit black and white. I've had bad days in the last 8 weeks. Maybe 3 or 4 where I've felt that familiar feeling of over-the-top, out-of-control "I'd prefer to die than face this anymore" moments. But that is a far cry from the 4 days of "normal" I had in the previous 8 weeks. 

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it was that had me shift into feeling healthy. But I'm sure it was a plethora of factors: I've found a fantastic therapist (after 6 dismal visits with someone I just didn't click with), I found a great psychiatrist (similar situation to the therapist - it took some time to find the right one), I'm on a comprehensive dietary supplement regimen, I'm exercising frequently (about 4 times a week), I'm making money and contributing to my financial future again (it had been about a year since I was making a regular income), I'm actively working on my acting career again, my relationship is in one of the best places it's ever been (two sessions in with an amazing couples therapist plus a whole lot of work and commitment on our behalf). Oh yeah, plus the Zoloft. I'm sure the cat-sitting for 2 months helped, too. 

My psychiatrist is of the mind that my Zoloft dose is so low that it's probably a placebo. This pisses me off to no end - I tried so many other pills and potions that I believed would work over the last year, I don't understand why THIS would be the one that yielded a placebo result. But, whatever. At the end of the day, whether placebo or not, whether the result of the drugs alone or all of the other factors, I feel better. And that's all that matters to me. 

It's all a bit chicken or egg... Meaning, I didn't feel like working or going to the gym while I felt depressed but I made the choice to do those things anyway. And I know I feel better for it. And I didn't feel like I had the capacity to even make those choices before I started the therapy and the drugs. Chicken? Egg? Both, I guess. 

The other piece that I feel had made the biggest difference for me personally came from my very first session with the new (fantastic) therapist, Dr Lois. But before I get to that nugget... I want to mention my experience with the other therapist. I was intrigued by this CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - which is a goal based, systematic approach to treatment. However, I found this approach (at least as it was delivered by this particular therapist) to be disingenuous and superficial. I never felt like any real deep issues were being addressed or were even given space to be aired. This in top if feeling like the therapist wasn't as intelligent as I was. I know this sounds arrogant, but really, I want to sit with someone who 1) remembers basic things about me and 2) who's opinion and thoughts resonate with me and 3) who I feel is offering me insight that I wasn't otherwise seeing for myself. I felt like this first therapist was stuck on recording triggers. We would spend an hour dissecting some relatively insignificant breakdown - when what I wanted was to get UNDERNEATH the breakdown and address the causes!! It was a frustrating experience but I stuck it out in case it was just me being resistant. Eventually, after 6 sessions that went nowhere and a really supportive conversation with my beloved adopted Papa, I knew it was time to find a therapist who I respected, who challenged me and who created the intellectual and emotional space for me too explore and go deep. 

So! The breakthrough I had?? Making myself the most important thing in my life. I know this may sound like a really simple thing, possibly even selfish to some, but the way this landed for me had me in tears. Actually, the thing that really set me off was when she (fantastic Dr Lois) asked me how much this worrying about things (in particular the security of my relationship) was taking away from my creative energy. It landed like a ton of bricks and I cried with a realization so deep. I had been living for so long with my energy being consumed by anxiety and paranoia about so much (was I enough? which girl is he going to have a thing with next? what is wrong with me?) - I, as a living, breathing, spiritual, creative being had almost ceased to exist. 

From that session onward I've made such a conscious effort to always come back to me. To know that no matter what happens, I am always enough and I will always be okay. When I've had moments of getting lost again, I now feel like I have this map. I know how it get back to myself. How to get grounded in this truth. I wish I could say it's worked every time - on those out-of-control days I mentioned it's almost impossible... but it's never far away. 

I'm so grateful for this healthy place. I'm so grateful for this breakthrough. And to every one of you who has offered me love and support - you are everything. I love you. Thank you.