Two nights ago I sat down to write about my "diagnosis" and what it means to me. But I was having trouble concentrating. Some other truth was demanding attention in that moment, so I wrote about that instead...
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Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.
Like today. Seemingly for no reason I start to withdraw. The inner voice that has me compare myself to others starts up. That thing that has me push people away and become excruciatingly self-conscious.
I sense it coming and I do my best to be bigger than it. I tell myself something positive, repeating all the positive affirmations I’ve practiced and embodied on my “healthy days”.
And then the emotions start coming up. The reactiveness. Things I would never normally say start coming out of my mouth.
And I watch these things happen. I watch it happen as if I was an innocent, dumbfounded bystander. It feels out-of-body. I see the words float out my mouth and 2 seconds later they’re in the air and no amount of grabbing at them can take them back.
When I’m clear minded (my terminology for when I’m not in a depressive state) I often say to AJ that these depressive states feel like the “real me” is trapped inside this sad and angry beast. I ask him to talk to me - the real me - who’s deep inside somewhere... But all that comes out is angry, or nasty, or horribly self degrading talk. My Edward Hyde.
Even as a write, I’m tearing up. I’m scared and I feel very alone.
Today for the first time I reached out to people as I felt it coming on. After trying about 3 people who weren’t around I gave up and decided to play Candy Crush instead. Maybe distraction would work.
One of the homework exercises my therapist gave me was to keep a log of anytime I experiences an “emotion that rated higher than 3/10”... So if I’m feeling sad and it feels bigger than a 3 out of 10 then I need to record what it was that triggered it. Sometimes these triggers are obvious - something someone says or does. But sometimes, like today, I can’t come up with anything. The tears, the sadness, the anger, the jealousy; they come out of nowhere. And I start to drown in them.
I need to break it’s momentum. I need a distraction, a healthy one.
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On this particular Saturday night I chose to put my energy into colouring in. Yes, as in colour pencils and reliving those long-gone kindergarten days. I bought a new coloring book last week. One with crazy "Art Nouveau" animal pictures. Colouring in is one of my favorite things to do. I find it really meditative and relaxing.
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| Rooster & Chicken: my healthy distraction de jour. |
