Law of Attraction VS Depression

Thoughts become things. Energy flows where attention goes... The Law of Attraction. Not familiar? Watch this... http://youtu.be/-t6wzFNDV9k 

Call me a tree-huger if you will, but I'm a believer. I believe that we attract things into our life as a direct result of our mindset. I believe that if you put thoughts out into the Universe, then the Universe will provide for you accordingly. Perhaps not always exactly what you ask for, but it will be what you're destined for. The energy you put out into the world will come back to you. It's about your actions being driven by your thoughts and beliefs - even the subconscious ones! 

This is a philosophy I've had since a co-worker (or maybe it was Oprah) first introduced me to the film The Secret in 2007. But when I really think about it, seeing this philosophy explained in The Secret was like seeing this unspoken wisdom I had gained by watching The Wizard of Oz hundreds of times as a kid crystallized in front of me. Remember Glinda the Good Witch's line to Dorothy right before she sends her home to Kansas? "You've always had the power". In a way, it is the ultimate responsibility. I am responsible for all the results in my life. 

Be grateful for what is --> Ask for what you want --> Believe it will happen. See it happen --> Take action --> Receive --> Be grateful for what is. 

Or here's a non "Woo-Woo" version of how thoughts become things...

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All this is very easy to swallow - even tasty! - while I'm in a healthy place. However, when I'm in depression (not just "feeling depressed" but in an unstable mental state) it is a very hard pill to take. 

Last July, when I was at my sickest, a series of questions occurred to me (in a rare moment of clarity). If I am truly manifesting things in my life based on my thoughts and mindset, then what is happening as a result of my depression? Given the lack of control I have over my thoughts as a result of the depression, does the Universe know this and does it make allowances for it? 

Even when I was sick, I would do my best to put positive thoughts into my mind, but I found the dark voice of depression was infinitely louder. I started paying attention to what I was attracting into my life as a result of these negative thoughts and while I can't be 100% certain, I don't think I noticed any additional (aside from the depression itself) negative affects in my life. I 

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Six months on from this experience, I still don't know the answer to these questions. But I know what I like to believe... That the Universe is infinitely wise and compassionate, and it knew that the negativity being put out from my mind wasn't intentional. And, as always, it gave me exactly what I needed and I'm grateful to be alive. 

Change your beliefs. Change your life. 

Change your life. Change the world. 

Love always. 

Jas xo

Truth vs Anti-Truth

This week we returned to LA to spend time with family and family of choice for the holidays. Many of my friends I haven't seen or spoken to much since I left Los Angeles in February 2014, and therefore since I had my major mental breakdown. 

One of my dear friends does a lot of leadership and coaching work, particularly with children. He is a powerfully positive person who has overcome a lot of circumstantial adversity in his life. He has also never been exposed to anyone with any kind of "emotional disorder", so he was extremely curious about my experience. He had a lot of questions, and played devils advocate but with a completely open mind. It was a fantastic opportunity to share my experience and support someone in gaining understanding of something that can be incredibly difficult to understand. 

Lack of Choice 

The first thing that was imperative to get across is the lack of choice when it comes to depression/mood disorders. If you're someone who's done any kind of personal development work, you may be familiar with the concept of everything being a choice. This is something I subscribe to with gusto - I believe that I have the power to choose my interpretation of any event in my life. Living that way is very empowering! 

However... Any kind of mood disorder makes this a very grey area. Firstly, having depression is not a choice. Depression disorders take away the control you have to make a choice in the first place. This makes the argument "just pull your socks up and get on with it" a moot one. I love this quote, " Telling someone with depression to get over it is like telling someone with cancer to walk it off." 

Depression is not a choice. Period. Depression robs us of the connection to our deepest Truth. It conceals it and paints it with it's own anti-truth - a disconnected, disempowered, eternally hopeless darkness. 

But, like I said, it is a very grey area and everyone is different. It's impossible to know the level of choice or control an individual has in any moment. It's up to that person to be honest with themselves. 

I was lucky enough to have a loving partner who knows me so well and who could hold up a picture of the Truth in any moment, even if the depression prevented me from seeing it. 

The Complete Absence of Logic

One of the things that always struck me when I emerged from a depressive/anxious episode was the complete lack of logic or reasoning that I experienced throughout it. The way my brain would think and interpret events was often so illogical. But at the time, it made perfect sense. To my depressed brain, the way I thought felt like the truth (but it was that false truth, that anti-truth). But in the moment m that darkness was my reality. No, it doesn't make sense, especially to a healthy person - but remember, you can't argue logic or reason to a depressed person. The depression is blinding. 

There's No Cure-All

As much as I would love for it to be true, there is no one thing that fixes depression. What works for me won't necessarily work for the next person. What worked for me one day may not work the next. There are so many factors that contribute to someone's mental health: nutrition & diet, mental health and stability (how you process things in your life), support networks and environmental and cultural factors.

The Take Away

My friend desperately wanted it to be simple; simple to understand, simple to identify and simple to solve. Unfortunately, it's not. Or, FORTUNATELY, it's not ;)

We as humans are infinitely intricate and complex. It's part of what makes us unique and beautiful. The difficulty of this "disease" means we have a massive opportunity to engage, connect and deepen our understanding of our fellow human beings. And, given the statistics on depression and suciicide, an opportunity to save a life. 

Go forth and be a champion of Truth. 

Thanks for the love xo

To support a friend...

Last week a good friend shared with me that he decently been diagnosed with bipolar after experiencing some debilitating anxiety attacks. My heart broke. As a nurturing spirit, my first instinct was to save him, rescue him. But I know that, for all the wanting it, I just can't fix him. 

What I can do is share all that I've learned from my experience, knowing that no two people are the same and what worked for me may not work for him. I can use my life coaching skills to facilitate and support healthy changes in his life. But I can't make him want to change, or want to commit to making healthier choices in his life. 

But what's most important is just being there for him, to listen, and be on the other end of the phone when he can't get up off the floor. To let him know that it's okay, that he's okay. And remind him there is hope, even when he doesn't believe it. Because hope can look like a simple hug. 

The Art of Accepting Impermanence

It's difficult for me to fathom that we are hurtling towards the end of 2014. TWENTY FIFTEEN IS COMING, PEOPLE!!! Un-freaking-believable.

Firstly, given the reason I started this blog, I think it only fitting to share that I have been episode-free for a glorious three months. I feel like I'm back to my best self, entirely. It's magical, and every day I am grateful for my mental health. So incredibly grateful. And every day I make it a priority to maintain this state with meditation, "Ultramind Solution" nutrition (see my post about that here), building and nurturing my social support network, and continued self-development.

Along my burgeoning spiritual path, one concept has become very relevant to me. And that is cultivating a sense of acceptance and detachment. My mantra being, "This too shall pass". Meaning, the joyful highs I am now experiencing will not last forever. I don't intend that in a negative way whatsoever. It's about approaching my days in a detached, open to what may come, ride the ebbs and flows of life with peace and ease way.

I recently attended a day-long Buddhist meditation retreat. The topic of the day was Living in the Moment. But ultimately the message of the day was the idea of impermanence. We meditated on the human instinct to grasp and cling onto things, anything. As infants, grasping is one of our primary instincts. As adults, we grasp at the past, we grasp onto the future and for one reason or another, we are often afraid to let go and be present in the moment. We grasp onto people and situations, ideas and values. According to one Buddhist scholar, "We will suffer in direct proportion to out grasping".

This entire concept resonates deeply with me. I feel a sense of peace when I sit with impermanence. Sometimes I experience a sense of fear or loss, but then I realize this is happening because I'm looking to the past or to the future. So I come back to the present moment, and back to that peace, that bliss.

This isn't a completely new concept to me. I requested of my partner to remind me whenever I was in the middle of a depressive episode that "it's only temporary and it will pass". Hearing this would remind me that there was hope for relief from the excruciating pain of hopelessness. Though, there were times when the "downs" would last weeks, when I might get a single day of feeling like it had passed, and in those cases the ratio itself felt just as hopeless. "Ok, so the depression might pass, but if the good state only lasts a day before that too passes back to depression... I don't know if it's worth it". It was a struggle every day to have faith. But I made it and I'm so very, very grateful.

I'd love to hear what it is that you grasp onto and what consequences it causes in your life. And is it something you're ready to let go of? 

Whether impermanence is a new concept to you or this is simply a reminder, I wish for you that it wraps you up in a warm, comforting blanket of gratitude and bliss. I'm off to meditate :)

Love &Gratitude

Jas xo

Long time, no blog.

I haven't written in some time. Has it been 8 weeks? Well the good news is I have felt great/healthy/not depressed for about that long...I honestly thought, "What am I going to write on a blog about depression if I'm not depressed anymore??"

That's a little bit black and white. I've had bad days in the last 8 weeks. Maybe 3 or 4 where I've felt that familiar feeling of over-the-top, out-of-control "I'd prefer to die than face this anymore" moments. But that is a far cry from the 4 days of "normal" I had in the previous 8 weeks. 

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it was that had me shift into feeling healthy. But I'm sure it was a plethora of factors: I've found a fantastic therapist (after 6 dismal visits with someone I just didn't click with), I found a great psychiatrist (similar situation to the therapist - it took some time to find the right one), I'm on a comprehensive dietary supplement regimen, I'm exercising frequently (about 4 times a week), I'm making money and contributing to my financial future again (it had been about a year since I was making a regular income), I'm actively working on my acting career again, my relationship is in one of the best places it's ever been (two sessions in with an amazing couples therapist plus a whole lot of work and commitment on our behalf). Oh yeah, plus the Zoloft. I'm sure the cat-sitting for 2 months helped, too. 

My psychiatrist is of the mind that my Zoloft dose is so low that it's probably a placebo. This pisses me off to no end - I tried so many other pills and potions that I believed would work over the last year, I don't understand why THIS would be the one that yielded a placebo result. But, whatever. At the end of the day, whether placebo or not, whether the result of the drugs alone or all of the other factors, I feel better. And that's all that matters to me. 

It's all a bit chicken or egg... Meaning, I didn't feel like working or going to the gym while I felt depressed but I made the choice to do those things anyway. And I know I feel better for it. And I didn't feel like I had the capacity to even make those choices before I started the therapy and the drugs. Chicken? Egg? Both, I guess. 

The other piece that I feel had made the biggest difference for me personally came from my very first session with the new (fantastic) therapist, Dr Lois. But before I get to that nugget... I want to mention my experience with the other therapist. I was intrigued by this CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - which is a goal based, systematic approach to treatment. However, I found this approach (at least as it was delivered by this particular therapist) to be disingenuous and superficial. I never felt like any real deep issues were being addressed or were even given space to be aired. This in top if feeling like the therapist wasn't as intelligent as I was. I know this sounds arrogant, but really, I want to sit with someone who 1) remembers basic things about me and 2) who's opinion and thoughts resonate with me and 3) who I feel is offering me insight that I wasn't otherwise seeing for myself. I felt like this first therapist was stuck on recording triggers. We would spend an hour dissecting some relatively insignificant breakdown - when what I wanted was to get UNDERNEATH the breakdown and address the causes!! It was a frustrating experience but I stuck it out in case it was just me being resistant. Eventually, after 6 sessions that went nowhere and a really supportive conversation with my beloved adopted Papa, I knew it was time to find a therapist who I respected, who challenged me and who created the intellectual and emotional space for me too explore and go deep. 

So! The breakthrough I had?? Making myself the most important thing in my life. I know this may sound like a really simple thing, possibly even selfish to some, but the way this landed for me had me in tears. Actually, the thing that really set me off was when she (fantastic Dr Lois) asked me how much this worrying about things (in particular the security of my relationship) was taking away from my creative energy. It landed like a ton of bricks and I cried with a realization so deep. I had been living for so long with my energy being consumed by anxiety and paranoia about so much (was I enough? which girl is he going to have a thing with next? what is wrong with me?) - I, as a living, breathing, spiritual, creative being had almost ceased to exist. 

From that session onward I've made such a conscious effort to always come back to me. To know that no matter what happens, I am always enough and I will always be okay. When I've had moments of getting lost again, I now feel like I have this map. I know how it get back to myself. How to get grounded in this truth. I wish I could say it's worked every time - on those out-of-control days I mentioned it's almost impossible... but it's never far away. 

I'm so grateful for this healthy place. I'm so grateful for this breakthrough. And to every one of you who has offered me love and support - you are everything. I love you. Thank you. 

Stranger Danger

When was the last time you talked to a stranger? On the bus? In line at grocery store? Even just said "Hello" or "Good morning!"

A couple of weeks ago I was walking along on my way to a therapy session, deep in thought about what was coming. I noticed a lady standing still on the sidewalk with a really faraway stare. My spidey senses told me something was amiss so I approached her. After asking "are you okay?" She thanked me and told me how she's just saved a kid from being hit by a taxi on his skateboard. She was feeling overcome with adrenaline and was trying to calm down. This wasn't necessarily an instant where I made much of an impact in this woman's life. But I hope it was enough, just to create another connection in the world. 

The story of an Australian man named Don Ritchie has touched me very deeply. Don officially saved the lives of over 160 people from suicide (but some guess the number is closer to 400). He lived by a cliff on the coast of Sydney called "The Gap" that is a notorious suicide location. Each day Don would keep an eye out for people in trouble and would strike up a conversation with them, invite them for tea and just be there to offer a friendly ear or word. I've no doubt that many call this man an Angel. 

You never know when reaching out to someone - even someone you don't know - can change their life for the better. 

Perhaps the real stranger danger is the isolation and separation we create in our society as a result of our fears.

Here's a short video highlighting Don's amazing efforts... Enjoy, be  inspired and take action in your own way.


Jas <3

What I learned from reading "The Ultramind Solution: Fix Your Broken Brain by Healing Your Body First"

No, it's not a book about becoming an expert at mind control (bummer, I know) it's the best resource I've found on an integrative/functional based approach to mental health. Written by a medical doctor who, after his own struggle with depression, now practices functional medicine. (WTF is Functional Medicine??? It's the practice of medicine where underlying causes for symptoms and issues are addressed, along with treating the symptoms themselves.)

I would highly recommend this book to anyone, but ESPECIALLY those who deal with mental health issues like depression and anxiety, even memory deterioration. My friend who recommended the book was using it to learn ways to optimize his already healthy body and brain function.

The book highlights how our body function, what we eat and ingest, either through diet or through the environment, directly - and often significantly - affects the function of our brain and therefore mental health.

As a result of what I learned from the book I've started including a few more supplements into my existing routine. I already take a Multi Vitamin, Vit B Complex and a probiotic. I've added Magnesium, an Omega oil blend and Vitamin D.

One of the major takeaways for me was how much of an impact toxins can have on our health. Did you know that less than 1% of the chemicals in use today have been tested for safety?!?! Have we learned nothing from mercury or asbestos?? I have a mouth full of amalgam fillings, some of which have been there over 20 years! There is a good chance that these fillings are leaking mercury into my system. This is a highly alarming fact and one I'm looking to address ASAP.

Lastly, it's worth stressing the importance that Dr Hyman puts on exercise and relaxation. The role stress plays in mental health is proven, widely known and accepted yet so many of us don't know how to healthily manage it. Stress and stress management really deserves it's own post, so I think I'll save that one for another day.

Here is The Ultramind Solution on Amazon. And Dr Hyman's website.